This New Year's Eve you can lay the groundwork for continued growth without making any resolutions except one—to let go of the past, connect with yourself, to Wake Up, and be Present.     न्यू येअर्स एवे

can i share? really?

शेयर   most of my thoughts and feelings that i share here on this blog are not truth...  To me, that means a couple of things, first off anything i share here is an interpretation of what source shares with me..  source never lies, but as soon as i intrepret what i think source is sharing through my words, thoughts, emotions, i may skew what source is sharing with me.  Second, once i share with you, and you read my words, thoughts, emotions, well...... then each of us will attach different meanings to every single word, meme, and meme complex.  Communication, gets very interesting when you look at it from that point of view.  at least this is what i feel as "truth" in this moment..  there are many more ways that i am not sharing truth, but i will save that for another day.  All that being said, here is my interpretion of what source shared with me yesterday..  by the way i have no idea what the hell source is or if i completly make all this #*%# up..  i could actually be completely insane and continuing to sell myself different stories about life, myself, others, but on the other hand i could be completely sane..  AM I....  IN-SANE?  as in...  living IN........  SANEITY.....????  or as in living truly INSANE?...  interesting...  i wonder..  a lot.... . . .  .  .  .  .   .   .   .   .   .    .    .    .    .
so, have you ever heard something that feels and sounds true, but it may take many repititions until it solidifies in your head..  i mean you can almost feel it, click.. and your like whoa..  i get it???  at least that is what i am like.  so yesterday i was sharing with a beautiful butterfly about the "waves" of life,  now i use "waves" or "fire" as a metaphor for the times when i am challenged to grow and evolve..  the true work, its easy when its easy, the universe will test you and that is when the "waves" and/or "fires" appear..  i enjoy these for some sick reason..  maybe because i feel that they push my consciousness, and maybe not.  anywho..  i was contemplating, about this "wave" that i will semi share, and actually not share at all (just read again the start of this blog) for awhile i have been navigating attachment to a cetain situation in my life..  thinking thoughts like, it would be better if..  there would be less "waves" when..  if only it was like this...  and on and on and on..  so..  to my click we go..  the future, and future thinking is purely curiosity..  what do i mean?  well, i had attachment to something happening in the future and thinking that things would be better if certain things would change, the fact is no matter what your situation there will ALWAYS BE WAVES, at times, and there WILL ALWAYS BE NO WAVES AT TIMES, that is the true nature of the universe..  "AND THIS WILL CHANGE"  nothing is constant and nothing is forever except for unconditional love, which is inside you..  it is source.. or maybe it isnt..  i dont know.  the future is CURIOSITY because you can only be curious about what will happen, there is absolutely no way you can know what will happen because between this point and the next there is literally an infinite number of possibilities.  this can get much much much deeper..  but in general when you are thinking about the future (curiosity) or the past (confusion) you are literally hypnotized out of this present moment...  so i ask "where are you, now?"  my point is, and isnt, do not attach to the future, take steps in the now to "consciouslly" create your future.  imagination is an amazing tool.  dive within yourself and you will see the games we all play..

"If you are ready to disappear, I am already not there. I exist only in your mind. As far as my own existence is concerned it is not there. If you are ready to dissolve, suddenly you will become aware that you have dissolved into a nothingness; there is neither master nor disciple."

इ ऍम थे द्रगों
i am the dragon

i dream.. i dream.. i dream..

दरें
i am running..  so very fast, not high level athlete fast, but comic book fast, the "flash" fast.  speeding around the world multiple times per second..  alone..  can anyone else run with me?  yes, of course others are running at the same speed, but where are they?  at that very moment that thought passes into being alive, i see a flash before my eyes..  another runner..  another warrior.. another....  i decide to see if i can catch him/her so we can meet and play at "our" level, if there is such a thing.  i finally catch up with my fast friend, and we both stop to chat..  we look into each others eyes for a moment..  i see myself, he see's himself.  i was so excited, like a child on christmas, opening a gift, this gift to me brought a relief, i am not "alone", there are others, i dont have to "think" that i have to teach others to play with me anymore, let that go, only teach when asked, only teach from silence when not asked.  i have found my playmate.  after our moment of contemplation into each other, i ask him in my full childlike excitement "DO YOU WANT TO RUN WITH ME AND PLAY!!!!!??????" his response was a loud "NO"..  i was crushed, but decided to push further rather than be silent and continue to play alone..  "why not?" i asked..  "because, i am afraid that you may be faster than me, i am afraid you may be more developed than me, i am afraid to lose, i am afraid." he said.  my heart sunk..  finally i found a playmate, but he was afraid to play with me because of his attachment to being "special"...  heavy heart..  i begged him, i told him that i did not care who was faster, who was more developed, that we both have much to learn and grow from each other, i just wanted to play... play.. play...  please play with me i asked.. he looked into my eyes, i saw my old self, i was filled with empathy and compassion, and he took off in a flash...  gone............................................................................................  i stood there, contemplating, watching, observing self, what comes up for me, what hurts and pains are here..  what do i need????  hmmmmmmm..  at that moment i decided to harness all of my energies, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually,  align myself and pour it all into running faster than i have ever run..  the stress to push my evolution to its next becoming..  i took off in a flash, in fact i was running so fast i was not even moving, just vibrating, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster...  until i disappeared from this plane of reality..  and found myself in another dimension entirely..  i was reborn, this place was free of all the old constructs, free to grow again, free to grow consciously, free to re-wire myself completely..  free....  in that instant, another playmate appeared, it was neither male/female, it was all, and nothing..  it spoke to me without speaking, without words, without any language that is here on this plane,  no body language, nothing, just a pure knowing.  we both took off at the exact moment, and played and played and played..  i had found my spirtual equal, it had found it's spiritual equal..  we were supported, we were safe, we were and still are one..
DREAM

लोस ऑफ़ सेल्फ LOSS OF SELF!  i have spent the last seven years uprooting other peoples ideas "weeds" out of my psyche, including my own old ideas that were formed from others ideas living within me,  Value memes, social matrix memes, sub memes, memes..  As i have up rooted these "weeds" i have created a beautiful compost bin that is breaking these useless ideas down into the most amazing health, life, vitality, energizing, expanding, allowing, loving, creating, letting go, pure compost to grow my new beautiful mind garden..  the soil is bio-dynamic, full of life and full of source.  It is pure, bursting with life and is pulsing with the creative force of the universe, this is my new soil, to consciously grow my new mind within..  I am now truly farming self awarenss.  Although it feels intangable at times, in the sense of the unknown, the abyss that i am stepping into, but the alternative, to live as i once did is much more horryifying, the insanity that used to be me..  un-learning all that has been learned.  To be almost empty of the past...  Reborn mind..  Opprotunity to truly cultivate self, rather than waking up at thrity three and realizing, i have been living others ideas my whole life..  where have i been?

i am now re-birthing my mind.  Free to now consciously create myself in the present moment.  FREE!  I am lost and I am found.  I am alone, I AM ONE.  Wide eyed.  Reborn as a mature child.  The old construct is gone.  Empty.. Full.. The most extreme sad..  The most extreme happy.  The two dragons always playing with one another.  Complete let go.  I step into the abyss.  I trust.  I let go.  I see beyond my own cocoon.  Old jator is hanging on by threads..  he says goodbye to you all..  rebirth is upon me..

LOVe

थ्रौघ वर्ड   Through word.  Dialog with self.  i have been having much dialog with others.  the fires that transform us.  those people that "annoy, trigger, etc"  the only way this can happen to be annoyed, triggered, blame, is if there is actual past "points" of pain in these areas that these "teachers" bring to our awareness.  past metaphorical holes in spirit, or are they literal, dunno?  i do know that a part of me feels this is true, and another part of me is very curious about this.  i can always find these wounds within myself around the teachers that bring this into my awareness.  such a beautiful gift, observance of self, self exploration, diving into the depths that are potentially infinite.  in fact and not in fact at all i can get lost out there in consciousness....  i play with my animal to remember and be grateful for the gift of the animal as well.  i am here to embrace both..  to explore both..  to be conscious of both..  feel my cells breathe, feel cellular respiration, feel awareness, feel the construct within and without..  exploration of all SELF feels right, then again it feels not right at all..  not knowing..  letting go.. being..  who am i????????  really???  i am not jator..  physically yes i am on this plane as jator, but how many other planes am i truly on??  past lives?  Einstein did not believe in past lives, or even time for that matter..  just parallels...  parallels..  arise and pass.. and this to will change.  i except that i know nothing.  beginners mind.. start fresh..  open.. free.  i do not know my own best interest..  or do i??  lost and found at the same time..  strange place.. strange feeling..  beautiful.. the journey continues..

इ ऍम थे करब i am the conscious hermit crab.  as a cancer i tend to stay in my shell, be introverted, emotional, moody ; ) or is my sign only the winds that blow my sails? and i have choice?????  i believe i have choice but have my choices all been made already??  just watching the movie now frame by frame already knowing deep inside or outside what is next?  at least these are the stories i have sold to my-self and the boxes i have put myself in.  truth for me possilbly?  part of me feels so..  part of me is curious about what i feel..  hmmmm feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel..  thoughts = emotions = feelings..  projections of the past..  i am now.  so here is my now awareness shared with my-SELF and you, me.  i am that hermit crab you see at the beach..  my shell has grown tight, too tight, in fact so tight i have two choices, stay in my shell and numb myself to the point i forget that my shell is too tight and continue to live distracted, or let go of old shell and begin the search to find a more expansive home.  my new home is being created by me consciously.  i am uprooting the confines of the old shell, all others ideas that have been downloaded into my consciousness without me even knowing it.  even saying that feels confining.  brings about a pain in my gut, it is truth for me..   how scary and wonderful truth can be/is/was/maybe.  my new home is being built with my new awareness, i am making the rules/non rules, i am picking and choosing who and what i am, at least i think i am picking and choosing, it might just be beyond me, beyond my scope, for now i feel i am creating this new home, as i create i will find new levels of awareness, this may change my view on myself creation, or am i just a vessel for something else working through me?  source?  or could i be completly lying to myself and this is a big game my shadow is playing on me to make me believe i am on the right path???  hmmmm interesting..  deep within me i feel alignment.  i feel flow..  at least i think i do..  i am open, out of my shell, on the beach without a home (for the moment), it is a beautiful day, just like everyday, perfect, changing, expanding, perfect..  the seagulls are out, looking for a nice tender hermit crab meal, i see them, circling, waiting, hmmmm, my claw has grown strong from so much holding on to the past, so much holding on has created the awareness to let go, i can trust.  the holding on created a huge claw that can protect me from the seagulls, the claw has a new use, it is just there, i no longer need it, just trust it.  the seagulls see it, they know the power it holds, they see a crab who trusts, who see's all is one, i no longer look like a meal to them, i am their brother, i am connected, they see the shift occur..  as we shift together..  grow together.  are one together.  i bask in the beauty of this moment.

ja

एम्ब्रस हुमिलिटी embrace humility.  if we each would let go of the past.  be present, truly,  and embrace humility..   hmmmm what would life be like?  the ego would be down to a thread in an instant.  we would each truly see love.  it would be nirvana.  embrace humility my friends, embrace not knowing, embrace letting go, there are only half truths available anyway.  at least that is truth and not truth for me, in this moment.

इ कैन फली today i saw truth.
 
i see what i truly am.
 
in an instant i was everything and no thing at once.
 
to the edge of the universe,
 
inside all sentient beings, 
 
instant movement without thought.
 
being in my true mothers arms, 
 
so warm,
 
so beautiful,
 
so safe.
 
Beyond this "reality".
 
they were my arms,
 
holding me.
 
i was truly home.
 
i now know what it feels like to be back home in source.
 
the original womb.
 
where there is no polarity.
 
in zero, 
 
with spirit,
 
with me,
 
with all,
 
connected,
 
no separation,
 
no duality,
 
just GOD.
 
dissolve the ego,
 
unconditional love,
 
truly home,
 
swirling thru time and space in an instant.
 
thought creates reality.
 
e-motion, energy in motion, but motionless.
 
what??????
 
self-realization, truly there.
 
touch it.
 
feel it.
 
immersed in it, surrounded by love, am love, be love, we love.
 
enveloping bliss, truth, god, source, expansive.
 
seeing through eyes, with no eyes, true eyes, true self, original eyes.
 
eyes without judgment, projection, guilt, shame, fear, hate, jealousy.
 
eyes of only unconditional love.
 
eyes do no justice, you cant see here with eyes, they are useless, confining, separating, projecting...
 
new eyes are expansive, without "eyes", without "mind", just zero.
 
i am the elements.
 
i am the cosmos.
 
i am the earth.
 
i am being and no being.
 
i am everything and nothing.
 
nowhere, everywhere.
 
there are no others, no one else in the room, we are all one.
 
i know this from experience, not belief, a truth............. knowing.
 
i know now, in every facet of self, every cell, i know what i truly am,
 
i cannot hide, or run,
 
 it is done, it is done, it is done!
 
no return, i enter the desert, with calmness in my heart, walking the path of the Tao.
 
i have all i need within me.
 
the diamond realizing the diamond.
 
i am love.  i am safe.  i am secure.  i am flow.  i am self-will.  i am giving and receiving love.  i am communication.  i am creative.  i am spirit.
 
mastering self.
 
playing with and observing ego.
 
evaporating judgments of self and others, unlearning all that has been learned.
 
trusting universal wisdom.
 
trusting intuition.
 
trusting true self.
 
I AM GOD, YOU ARE GOD, WE ARE GOD, WE ARE ONE.
 
 
 
LOVE AND QI TO MY SOUL TRIBE, AND TO ALL SENTIENT BEINGS, SEEN AND UNSEEN, HEARD AND UNHEARD.
 
jator

इ ऍम ओने  i am one.  my consciousness expands daily, seeing more, letting more go, opening, healing what is already healed, seeing the truth of myself.  not judging my self or others.  doing my best in every moment not to live through the filters of the past and project them into this present moment.  i am not the past..  the past is confusion.  the future is curiosity.  the present is contentment.  i am letting go the past...  seeing myself in this present moment. seeing others in this present moment.  trusting my soul to guide me.. listen to the quiet voice it says.  do not listen to the reactive voice, the dog that is the ego.. the slave that is the ego..  i choose my perception.  i create my reality.  i choose to see truth.  i choose to let go.  i choose to trust.  i am in flow.  i have felt all and none many times.  i continue to grow and shrink.  i continue to see all sides of each story..  i continue.. i continue..  every word i speak has meaning.  every word i hear has meaning.  every moment is perfection in motion.  every moment is pure perfection.  every person i meet no matter how little the interaction is for a reason.. is for a gift of awareness is a gift of the moment.  is a gift of truth as long as i can see through the eyes of the moment and not project the past into this present moment to actually be living in the past rather than in the future/present/past all at the same time.. which is this exact moment.

love 

ट्रुथ = truth
my roots run deep...  deep to hell..  my consciousness is free.. free to heavens.  i grow mature.  i choose to expand and take ownership of self.  as life on this planet we each must grow old, but the gift we received as humans is the gift to grow up.  to re-awaken after being lost in the memes of society, the memes of others, the memes of my parents.  i now choose the games i play rather than unconsciously being played by the games.  i observe. i see. i observe.  day by day my mirror cleans.. pressures grow..  diamond being formed.  i grow mature.

 समुराई

  i walk through the fog.  i cannot see.  i know the path, but this path cannot be guided by my physical senses.  This path cannot be guided by my strong and steady light houses of the past.  This path can only be walked with trust, flow, open heart, and letting go.  I can no longer cling to the past.  I can no longer expect the future.  I can only walk in this very moment and free myself.  i can see the path without my eyes.  i can walk the path with out my shoes.  i can feel the path without my skin.  i can taste the path without my mouth.  i can hear the path without my ears.  i am the path and the path is me.  we are one.  illusion is dissolving.  truth is arising.  my Hanzu is sharpened daily.

लव २

more thoughts on love.. if "we" "you" or "i" falsely use the word love.. then we should at least be honest about it..

i "love" you if .....
i "love" you when .....
i'd "love" having sex with you as long as ....

i would also ask how do you love yourself daily?

Are you giving to others in a state of "guilt" becoming the martyr? Are you giving to others with the unconcious idea of getting "love" back? i.e sending a text of love and getting dissapointed when it is not returned to you??
if you do not give love to yourself "selfish" (beautiful word in my book) and you are always giving away what you do not possess can you see how that can turn into resentment of others? you can not truly love anyone until you learn how to truly love yourself. when your "i" cup of love runneth over you will be truly giving "we" love to another and yourself.

love. what a wonderful word. at the same time what a dangerous word. be careful my friends. be careful.

लव

LOVE. a dangerous thought. misunderstood word. ask yourself. what does love mean to you? what does it mean to love another? what do you need to "feel" loved... pay very close attention to what comes up for you. love like all things has many different meanings to many different people. many many many different meanings. get clear very clear on what the word "love" truly means... love does not mean.. Control. Lust. Fear. Anger. Loneliness. Cash Cow. Security or Safety. Comfort. Tolerate or Tolerable. Neediness. Sex. Perversion. Favor. Barter. Leverage. Revenge. Infection or Infectious. Jealously.

What are you actually disguising as "love"

काफ्फी

What does "coffee" mean to Me? self? SELF? =

speed. high. scared of stillness. left brain. hinders. sugar release. escape. numb. run from self. avoidance. disconnect. addiction. emotional connection to Cuba. taste. keeps me animal. running from higher self. sympathetic. cortisol. hiding. last play with old self. run from legacy. holding on to old self.

today it is done. today i am done. last piece of old jator to let go. my dragon wings must be used now. goodbye jator.. goodbye..

शादो सेल्फ

as i get deeper within self i find how my shadow enjoys lying to me (slippery lil guy he is ; ) this last time taking the enneagram test i put my ego aside and let my soul guide me.. i truly answered with what goes on inside me rather than what i want people to perceive about me.. i stoped lying to self. i also have been doing much much deep ego dissolving for the past three years, up rooting memes, vmems and the like to get to the core of who i think i am. as i heal my mirror becomes clearer and i have less filter through my perception of self and others. i am not afraid to admit my "faults" and short comings, rather i embrace them as opprotunities for healing/ growth and self realization with no judgment, fear, shame, guilt, anger. i am trusting in source, trusting in spirit, trusting in SELF/self and loving this experience we call life. recognizing there is only unconditional love in all experience and enjoying the journey my soul has chosen for me and the lessons i need to learn and grow from in this lifetime.

with

L O Ve