the above picture represents my feelings as i embark on this journey. i am alone. fully alone. there is only me at this point, and i now realize i have always been here alone. i am taking on everything. everyone. including myself. it is war, but a different kind of war, a war unlearning everything i have kept sacred till now, unlearning my beliefs, seeing my judgments, my projections, my hiding from truth, fully admitting to those and letting them dissolve into the universe for re interpretation. i must be strong. i must trust. trust in the universal wisdom. trust in quieting my mind. trust in truly being me. working towards no condition. working towards zero. no sex and violence love. no conditional love. yes to empathetic and compassionate love... working towards the unconditional. mastering self. this is not work it is rather a path, i am sitting at a crossroads as i write this, i see the path to the old me, the class clown, the crazy drinker, late nights, drugs, women, brain lost, soul lost, self lost, funny how everyone really liked me then, i was the life of the party, got the girls, drowning myself in ego... did you hear that? everyone liked me.. did they like me because i was just like them? i was not the one crab trying to escape the boiling pot? getting pulled back down into the water.. that is really funny for some reason.. really funny.. what is also funny is i liked me then, in fact i loved me some me.. that person made me who i am today and i had some of the best times in my life being that person.. so i have no judgments against that lifestyle, its actually great, i had a blast, and it would be easy to be that normal person again, except for one simple fact. my parents planted these seeds of who i am today a long time ago.. these seeds where neglected for so long, but they were strong, they wanted to live, at least just to give me a taste of another path another life another way another me. the other path in front of me, live the 6 principals 80/20.. at this point 99/1 because i am focused on improving right now, but the improvements are abounding i am changing and 80/20 is not that far off, mastering self, truly loving all, recognizing my judgement and projections, learning, growing, evolving, not a better path than the other just another path. i am so scared to take the second path.. scared.. not much scares me except for spiders and my boy alex.. but i am scared now.. scared to step off the ledge.. off into unknowing.. off into source.. scared to relearn and unlearn, to trust, to find out what resides in Jator. funny how people don't like me now.. i am too extreme, different, passionate, dogmatic, in a box, un open, boring... haha really... boring? man... i wish you all could see what i see, i wish you could see what i really see thru my eyes.. i wish you could see and know me.. truly me.. at my deepest level.. if you could see that unconditional love in me, that beauty in me, that brightness in me, that compassion in me, that empathy in me, that loyalty in me, that honesty in me, that mystical warrior in me, wuji in me... funny what would happen if you all saw that in me.. it would be a beautiful mirror of you.. right back at you.. it would be what you see in you and what i see in you.. man.. that is some deep deep ish.. so the choice is here, i have quieted my mind, i have been practicing soul connection everyday, and my soul says press on.. press on.. be authentic to who you truly are, you will manifest your spiritual companions on this journey, you will have support, you will have those around you that understand how important this work is for YOU.. all i ask is practice seeing the beauty in me, the love in me, the qi in me.. it only will strengthen that in you.. anything you see in another you strengthen within yourself.. remember that..
amor
to bed last night 8pm
up this morning 5am
nourishment
6am chicken thigh/kale/coconut oil
10am same as above
130pm same as above
4pm detox tea
545 pork/pork liver/scallions/coconut oil
stretch 20min/zones 15 min/ chi cultivation 20min/ vipassana meditation 20min
Although I "knew" you when you were this "old" you...I still saw the beauty within. I saw your ability to love....saw the the deep soul...the qi in you. You always have been a beautiful person inside and out. It's been awhile since I last connected with you, but I am now sending you positive vibes as you move forward in this journey. Continue to be well.
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