sEVENTEEN

had a long talk with JP Sears today. very good. it was a joy to speak with someone on the same path as i. JP is a deep cat, and i am learning lots from him, going down to the institute to hang out with JP and Paul. i am sure my upcoming time with them will only solidify the changes i am going thru. beautiful.. beautiful..

to bed last night 10pm
up this morning 615am

my mind is at ease.. ease.. enjoying how reality is presenting itself in this moment.

annicha

sIXTEEN

ah my friends. i have been in a limbo state for a minute now.. but today i am free, my cocoon has been broken.. the gifts abound.. lessons afoot.. i am free.. deep breathing.. free breathing.. i am free..

to bed last night 8pm
up this morning 5am

nourishment for the day
pork/pork liver/scallions for all meals except dinner
salmon/zuchinni/squash for dinner

hard beautiful spiritual workout today! wow.. so much energy.. i am busting.. my chakras are all in line.. spinning nicely.. healing at every level.. PEMS

amor my friends amor

fIVETEEN

the above picture represents my feelings as i embark on this journey. i am alone. fully alone. there is only me at this point, and i now realize i have always been here alone. i am taking on everything. everyone. including myself. it is war, but a different kind of war, a war unlearning everything i have kept sacred till now, unlearning my beliefs, seeing my judgments, my projections, my hiding from truth, fully admitting to those and letting them dissolve into the universe for re interpretation. i must be strong. i must trust. trust in the universal wisdom. trust in quieting my mind. trust in truly being me. working towards no condition. working towards zero. no sex and violence love. no conditional love. yes to empathetic and compassionate love... working towards the unconditional. mastering self. this is not work it is rather a path, i am sitting at a crossroads as i write this, i see the path to the old me, the class clown, the crazy drinker, late nights, drugs, women, brain lost, soul lost, self lost, funny how everyone really liked me then, i was the life of the party, got the girls, drowning myself in ego... did you hear that? everyone liked me.. did they like me because i was just like them? i was not the one crab trying to escape the boiling pot? getting pulled back down into the water.. that is really funny for some reason.. really funny.. what is also funny is i liked me then, in fact i loved me some me.. that person made me who i am today and i had some of the best times in my life being that person.. so i have no judgments against that lifestyle, its actually great, i had a blast, and it would be easy to be that normal person again, except for one simple fact. my parents planted these seeds of who i am today a long time ago.. these seeds where neglected for so long, but they were strong, they wanted to live, at least just to give me a taste of another path another life another way another me. the other path in front of me, live the 6 principals 80/20.. at this point 99/1 because i am focused on improving right now, but the improvements are abounding i am changing and 80/20 is not that far off, mastering self, truly loving all, recognizing my judgement and projections, learning, growing, evolving, not a better path than the other just another path. i am so scared to take the second path.. scared.. not much scares me except for spiders and my boy alex.. but i am scared now.. scared to step off the ledge.. off into unknowing.. off into source.. scared to relearn and unlearn, to trust, to find out what resides in Jator. funny how people don't like me now.. i am too extreme, different, passionate, dogmatic, in a box, un open, boring... haha really... boring? man... i wish you all could see what i see, i wish you could see what i really see thru my eyes.. i wish you could see and know me.. truly me.. at my deepest level.. if you could see that unconditional love in me, that beauty in me, that brightness in me, that compassion in me, that empathy in me, that loyalty in me, that honesty in me, that mystical warrior in me, wuji in me... funny what would happen if you all saw that in me.. it would be a beautiful mirror of you.. right back at you.. it would be what you see in you and what i see in you.. man.. that is some deep deep ish.. so the choice is here, i have quieted my mind, i have been practicing soul connection everyday, and my soul says press on.. press on.. be authentic to who you truly are, you will manifest your spiritual companions on this journey, you will have support, you will have those around you that understand how important this work is for YOU.. all i ask is practice seeing the beauty in me, the love in me, the qi in me.. it only will strengthen that in you.. anything you see in another you strengthen within yourself.. remember that..
amor

to bed last night 8pm
up this morning 5am

nourishment
6am chicken thigh/kale/coconut oil
10am same as above
130pm same as above
4pm detox tea
545 pork/pork liver/scallions/coconut oil

stretch 20min/zones 15 min/ chi cultivation 20min/ vipassana meditation 20min

fOURTEEN

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah... all i can do is laugh.. the universe has truly given me a gift today.. a gift of S@#@ or get off the pot.. man, a true test. testing my resolve, testing my strength, testing if i am truly bout it.. funny enough.. i am Fu@#$#@ bout it! what is the lesson here?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, my ego goes on and on and on... yapping his mouth off, "see jah, i told you.! why were you your true self? you should stick to being a player, stick to being a dick, stick to not caring, stick to the external of who you are..... This way jah, you wont get hurt, you won't get your heart all wrapped up just to be smashed, you wont feel this pain, you can give the pain, you can smash hearts, you can hurt others, you will avoid being wrapped up... avoid pain.. pain pain...pain... all the while protecting yourself".. really ego? protecting myself? if everyone is truly me and i am hurting them, blaming them, projecting on them, judging them, who i ask am i truly hurting????????????? ME

STUPID EGO.. the ego does not know what the f he's talking bout.. if i went back to the old me all i really am doing is hurting myself too. just a seemingly easier way of doing it.. but in the long run the same pain.. same thoughts.. same being empty..

but this is the new ja... new month.. new beginning.. new lesson.. thank you universe.. you are showing me not to externalize my love, to recognize that all i need is within me, to not engage in "special relationships", to not have others fill my needs, to recognize no matter what i am unconditional love, i am truth, i am authentic, i am real. to not become emotionally attached, to engage from this day fourth ONLY in conscious love, love where one is free to be authentic, free to be real, free to be ME.. real love, no conditions, no you did this, or your too that, just total acceptance, total awareness that all judgment and projection is just a mirror for you. FOR YOU! i am only giving unconditional love.. i am breaking free.. i am losing the illusion.. thank you universe for this lesson, i am on the pot taking a huge poopie police right now! you cant break me, you cant, you cant, you cant, because i trust that who i truly am is pure love, who you truly are is pure love.. and there is nothing else here.. just pure unconditional love.. there is no attack, fear, guilt, shame, unhappiness, bad, good, there is no labels.. i am love.. i am love.. i am AMOR...

it is done

to bed last night 830pm
up this morning 5am

nourishment
6am steak/raw and cooked tomato and yellow pepper
8am same as above
11am same as above
1pm same as above
4pm same as above
6pm chicken thigh/kale/eggs

work "in" zones for half hour/ chi cultivation 20min/ stretch 20min

one last thought. this path is f'n rough. it is a struggle to break the "norm" i don't consider myself abnormal, or "trying" to be not the norm.. i am truly only being me.. truly.. i am only following the path that feels right to my soul, to my dream, to my flow. i dont have to work, or try to be this, it just is, it is who i am to my roots. i am a star that shines so bright it is blinding, but that is not special we are all stars that shine just as bright. we are all one, we are all source. i am learning to truly be me, and to truly be you. unconditional love, unconditional love, unconditional love.. that is easy to say.. hard to do.. no conditions wow.. i have lost most of my friends, my girl, etc going down this path, but it is my path. do you think a gay guy or a lesbian would "choose" that path? to be judged, hated, thought of as weird, abnormal, etc??? no.. they just are that.. they are being real to who they are no matter what. AS AM I